Altar Call – Opelika-Auburn News

Walter Albritton

September 28, 2014

Some good advice from a cowboy

My good friend Ed Williams gave me an interesting book titled Don’t Squat with your Spurs On – A Cowboy’s Guide to Life. The book is not new but I had not seen it. I am delighted to finally have a copy.

It is an appropriate gift for me. One of my earliest ambitions as a young boy was to become a cowboy. My Uncle Luke who lived in Texas heard that I wanted some genuine cowboy boots so he sent me a pair. And I soon had terrible blisters on both feet from wearing those darn boots. Those blisters ended my dream of living out west and roping steers.

Written by Texas Bix Bender, the book offers good advice for everyone, not just cowboys. Ed penned me a note inside that said, “Brother Walter, follow this advice and you can’t go wrong.” He is right. Preachers, cowboys and just about anybody will find helpful counsel in this guide to life.

To prove that point I will pluck a few nuggets from this goldmine of wisdom and try to whet your appetite for this book. Even if you do not consider each quote sage advice, you should get some good laughs from this cowboy’s wisdom. One word of warning: if you are repulsed by writing that “murders the King’s English,” then skip what follows and check back with me next week. Here goes:

“Don’t never interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“Never take to sawin’ on the branch that’s supportin’ you, unless you’re bein’ hung from it.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

The above are samples of Bender’s sage advice. But going through the book again I must tell you that some of his sayings are best shared on the range around a campfire and not in a newspaper or from a pulpit. Just thought I had better confess that even though there is solid truth in the rather profane sayings. Here are a few more good ones I can share:

“The biggest liar you’ll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothin’ when your mouth is a-jawin’.”

“A woman’s heart is like a campfire. If you don’t tend to it regular, you’ll soon lose it.”

“If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.”

I will close by sharing what I consider the four best sayings in the book:

“There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.”

“Don’t get mad at somebody who knows more’n you do. It ain’t their fault.”

“There’s no place ‘round the campfire for a quitter’s blanket.”

“Honesty is not somethin’ you should flirt with. You should be married to it.”

Remembering the blisters those cowboy boots gave me when I was a boy, I offer this saying as the best one of all:

“If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin’ boots.”

Finally, here is some excellent advice from the cowboy for all of us preachers: “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Well, if you want some good laughs wrapped up in some good advice, I do recommend A Cowboy’s Guide to Life.

I’m done. + + +